cross country

 It's been over a year and a half since I wrote the last post on this account, and it feels a bit odd to remember where I was then. Not in a shocking way, but in a this-feels-awkwardly-nostalgic sense. I am absolutely sure no one reads this blog anymore, but it still feels nice to know that it is here for me, and full of all of my weird and changing feelings since I was thirteen. As I approach some big (and unexpected!) life changes, it feels reassuring to see this collection of my feelings accumulated over the last three years, reaffirming what I already hoped I knew. If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be moving back across the country, I wouldn't have believed it. I always play this game where I tell myself that a year ago today, I would have never predicted that my life would be where it is. And in its own chaotic way, it just works. It always does. And my predictions are always extremely wrong. Garrett, if you're reading this, I just admitted I'm wrong (hooray!). But no matter how off my guesses may have been, I still like to think that I am making seventeen year old Lily proud. Maybe it's not what I expected, or even what I thought I wanted at seventeen. I've been trying to learn that if you let it, life will pass you by. You can do things that are selfish, things that make you happy, things that don't always make sense to those around you. At the end of the day, you are only stuck with yourself. And I have also realized how afraid I am to do things that makes me truly happy. I have spent so much time 'sticking things out' to impress people who never cared anyways, people who I thought were watching the whole time. And they never were. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little terrified of the goodbyes. I am. And I am a little afraid that I might miss out on special moments for people that I love so much. I was rereading my last post on here, and I think I got it a little bit right back then. Goodbyes and love are too often synonymous. You only ever say goodbye when leaving is going to hurt. I wish I could say that to the people I love in a way that makes sense, but I just don't know how. I am excited, and terrified, and so ridiculously happy. Like everything else, I know this will end up okay. I know I will be okay. But still, it's scary to know that I just don't know what happens next.